...again and again and again

Many people are chasing the wrong dream?  Racing up the wrong ladder.

Often they find themselves struggling to climb the metaphorical ladder only to notice its not the path they were truly seeking after all. 

You’ve noticed the sea of sameness that surrounds us. Don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap.

How do you do this?

Make sure you are crystal clear on your WHY.  
Without your why, you don’t have the anchor that will connect you to what matters most to you.  

Ask the WHY question often and more than once.  

Really dig into the answers you give yourself. Often the first response is too superficial. With each answer that bubbles up, ask again, dig just a little deeper. 
A good rule of thumb is to go at least 4/5 layers deep.  

Here’s an example for you:

1.  Why do I want to run my own business? 
“Because I get to be my own boss”

2.  Why is that important to me?  
“I want to have the freedom to spend my time the way I value most”

3.  And… Why does that matter to me?  
“Because I only live once, and the life I create must make sense to me”

4.  Why will that make me happy?  
“I made a promise to myself long ago and I intend on keeping that promise” 

5.  Why ….  Keep asking until you know you’ve hit the real answer.  

​You must notice a deep emotional maybe even physical reaction to your true reason. 

This is your anchor and is what you use to keep you moving towards your true north. It’s the place where you find strength and courage when times are hardest as you work towards achieving your goal.

For some, as you ask WHY, you may realize you are going after xyz for the “wrong” reasons.

This is the perfect time to change your trajectory. Rethink your goal and move in the direction that is in sync with your core desires and values.  

Too often we get sucked into someone else’s dream, vision, story, direction, path, call it what you will, only to realize that’s not what we truly want after all.  

Don’t spend you time, energy, and resources running in the wrong direction. 

Connecting to your WHY will not only save you energy, time, and money, it will save your life.

Your life is made up of connected moments and experiences each one building on the others. Your WHY is your north star and it will remind you at every intersection what matters most to you. It will add clarity and purpose to all your decisions and ventures.  

Your path, your vision, your goals, your dreams are uniquely yours. 

Are you willing to find your own voice?  Connect to your WHY.  

If you have questions, please post a comment or send me an email. I'd love to help.

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A change in perspective can change everything.  

When you notice your outlook is not helping you. It’s time to shift your energy.
Perhaps you’re feeling as if life is drab, boring, dull, or uninspiring.
Maybe you’re nervous, anxious or stressed. 

This state of mind cannot serve you well.  What to do?

It’s time for a SOULFUL PAUSE. 

What do I mean by that?

Take a break from the same o same o. 
Do something new that excites or inspires you. 
Change up your routine and include what you love in your life. 

1.     Meet up with a dear friend you haven’t seen in ages.  

2.     Ride your bike to work.

3.     Take a walk in nature.

4.     Watch the sunset and or sunrise.

5.     Have breakfast at a new or favorite café.

6.     Make Art.  Paint – Color – Draw – Write – Sing.

7.     Prepare a delicious meal. (A new recipe if the challenge feels fun)

8.     Watch a movie that you find hilarious.

9.     Play (jump, run, hide, laugh) with your children. If you don’t have your own, borrow some.

10.   Slow way down when you show your affection. My daughter loves hugs. Her words not mine. “Be the HUG”

11.   Go for a run - preferably a new route.

12.   Grab a journal and write.  Free flow - allow your thoughts to hit the page without filtering yourself. You’re a wise soul. Sometimes you must slow down to hear what’s behind all the static.

13.   Meditate. Meditate. Mediate.

14.   Visit a city you’ve never seen before.

15.   Visit your city as if you are seeing it for the very first time.

16.   Reread your absolute favorite book.

17.   Call someone you love and tell him or her how much they matter to you.

18.   Take a time out from social media. 

19.   List 3 things you are truly grateful for. Take your time noticing how these people or things touch you deeply. 

20.   Listen to music you love.  

I hope you’ve enjoyed the list. These examples I’ve shared with you absolutely help me shift my thinking, mood, and attitude. 

Your soulful pause could be completely different from mine.  The only necessary ingredients are:   

The things you choose to do must light you up. &
The people you spend time with must remind you of what matters most to you.

Let me know what your soulful pause looks like with a comment or email. 

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You say you’re not a people person.

If you are in business, you must know that it’s all about people. Your capacity to establish and maintain relationships is not an option it’s a requirement. 

It’s not my intention to stress you out, instead I’d like to invite you to reframe this perspective just a tiny bit. Not only will your effort pay off in business, you will also find more pleasure and connection in your interactions.  

Dealing with (interacting with) people looks and feels different for each of us. 
How to make this process effective, and meaningful for you and the individuals you interact with is feasible no matter where you place yourself on the people person scale.  

In business and in life for that matter, it is about people. In order to work well with your partners, employees, customers, and suppliers your mindset and intention is key.

We don’t want you to put on a ‘false’ happy face or ‘pretend’ as you interact. What I do want you to think about is that there is a human being behind each one of these labels. Tap into that reality and connecting becomes much easier. 

1.  Change Shoes

Place yourself in their shoes. This does not mean agree with everything they say. Instead allow yourself to truly step into their reality. Empathy is not about who is right or wrong, its about allowing yourself to connect with the others perspective, circumstance and emotions. 

2.  Be Real

Show up authentically in your interactions. It is the foundation for creating relationships based on trust, respect, and understanding. Perhaps for many of us it is the most difficult task but it is also one of the most rewarding. 

3.  Be Kind

Unfortunately, kindness gets a bad wrap in business. Often synonymous with being too soft, this virtue deserves to be nurtured. 

It absolutely does not imply being dishonest. Even in sharing bad news with an employee for example you can be kind and honest in your delivery.  

Next time you think to yourself “ I’m not a people person” I’d like you to try changing shoes, being real, and being kind.

If you continue to tell yourself you are not a people person, it’s time to work on it. Give me a call and let’s chat.  

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According to the Dalai Lama, “The enemy is a very good teacher. “

Resistance can manifest itself as distractions, excuses, doubt, a busy calendar, confusion, fatigue, forgetfulness, anxiety and insecurity. 

Your body intimately knows resistance when it feels it.

Any behavior or act that rejects immediate pleasure in favor of …

-       your health
-       your dreams
-       your relationships
-       the work that matters most to you

 will result in some form of resistance. 

Resistance equals procrastination, self- sabotage, or sabotage by others.

How do you overcome something that cannot be seen, heard, touched, or smelled?

Please know that it’s you. You perpetuate it. You generate it.

It’s your enemy from within.

You are not the only one struggling with resistance.

Every human being has and does experience it. 

Because it is you that generates resistance, you must also be clear that it is powered by your fears. Your fears fuel resistance.

Your capacity to move through your fears is also within your grasp. 

Everything you truly seek and desire awaits you on the other side of resistance. 

Do not allow fear to stop you!  Use resistance as a signal to honestly connect to your fears. Shine a light on your fears so that they lose their power over you.  

Resistance (your enemy within) is a superb teacher. 

Now stop beating yourself up for resisting doing the work that matters most to you and start noticing the truth behind the smoke. 

See your fears and do it anyway.  

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Our minds are lost in thought 47% of the time according to a recent Harvard study.
The constant mind wandering is a direct cause of our unhappiness. This is tragic!
Especially when you can do something about it. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven approach to resolving this issue. 

Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and surrounding environment. It encompasses acceptance, by paying attention to the present moment thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally.

The Buddhist practice for developing Mindfulness is called Vapasana, which means clear insight or seeing clearly in Poli the language of the Buddha.

My personal favorite definition is presence of heart, body, and mind.

Jon Kabat-Zinn helped mindfulness become mainstream through a mindfulness based stress reduction program (MBSR) that is taught throughout the globe. Even google hired Jon to spend time teaching mindfulness to its people.   

Researchers have shown that practicing mindfulness, even for just a few weeks, can create physical, psychological, and social benefits.
 

• Mindfulness helps our bodies: After as little as eight weeks mindfulness meditation can boost the immune system and increase your ability to fight illness.  
• Mindfulness is medicine for our minds: Research findings suggest it increases positive emotions while reducing negative emotions and stress.
• Mindfulness fosters compassion:  According to the science, it makes us more likely to help someone in need because of our increased ability to empathize with others.  
• Mindfulness enriches relationships: According to several studies, mindfulness training makes couples more satisfied with their partner.  
• Mindfulness modifies our brain: Learning, emotion regulation, empathy, and memory all improve because of the increases in density of gray matter in corresponding brain regions when we practice mindfulness.  
• Mindfulness improves focus: Research suggests that mindfulness helps us limit distractions and improves our attention and concentration.

Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind. This is an art and science. 

1. Pay close attention to your breathing, especially when you are experiencing strong emotions.
2. Notice consciously. Ask yourself in a given moment, what do I feel, see, hear, and smell?
3. See your thoughts and emotions for what they are. They are constantly shifting, impermanent, and most importantly they do not define you. 
4. Listen to your body and the physical sensations at your disposal no matter what you are doing.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “It’s not really about sitting in the full lotus, pretending you’re a statue in a museum. It’s about living your life as if it really mattered, moment by moment by moment by moment.”

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Leadership must come first. 

Management focuses on your bottom line.
How can I best accomplish xyz, faster, smarter, and cheaper?

Leadership is “the raison d’être”.
It is what drives you. It is the What & Why behind what you do.

“Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.”  Peter Drucker

“Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.”  Stephen Covey

As individuals and organizations we must lead first.

The skill to manage efficiently and effectively is a requirement, however, without leadership you will reach the “wrong” destination.

Ask yourself, am I leading?

Leadership is your ability to influence, motivate, and enable others to contribute.

Influence and inspiration separate leaders from managers, not power and control.

I invite you to use your internal compass (principles, and values) to create an inspiring direction. Begin first by leading!

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Unfortunately, for bizarre reasons I cannot wrap my head around, many in our society and organizations grossly underestimate the value this subject has on their lives and on achieving their goals.  

Allow me to start from the end.

Did you know that happier people are 31% more productive than their neutral counter parts? Let’s set aside for a brief second that feeling happy is a beautiful emotion that every human being desires. Happier equals… 31% more efficient and effective. If you manage people … this is huge!  Allow me to start from the end.

In this fascinating ted talk, chalked full of insight and humor, Shawn Archor reminds us all of how important ones’ happiness is for our communities, businesses, relationships, and overall satisfaction with life.  
​

Now let me let you in on another little secret. 
Becoming happier is in everyone’s capacity, irrespective of your starting point.
In her fascinating book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky Phd. shares the golden nugget.

First I’ll share the bad news:

50% of your happiness is governed by your genetic predisposition or as she defines it your set-point. I know - somewhat scary news, but don’t despair. I have good news to share.

10% of your happiness is governed by your circumstances. This is the one that seems to be the most difficult for people including myself to accept, but it’s true. We’ll chat more about his in another post. 
 
40%.... and this is the fantastic news. … is governed by Intentional Activity. 

You now hold the key to where the solutions lies.

40% is governed by:  What we do + How we think
40% is within our ability to control
40% = opportunities to increase or decrease our happiness
This does also means it takes effort & commitment – only you can make this choice.

If you choose to make the effort and commitment you will improve your sense of well-being and boost your happiness level. Which also means your creativity, your connections, and your effectiveness will also improve.

If you are on a path to learn more about How to become a happier human being, I encourage you to read this fabulous resource. 
THE HOW OF HAPPINESS:  A new approach to getting the life you want, by Sonja Lyubomirsky Phd. 

1.  Practicing Gratitude and Positive Thinking.

Happiness Activity 1.  Expressing Gratitude
Happiness Activity 2.  Cultivating Optimism
Happiness Activity 3.  Avoiding overthinking and Social Comparison

2.  Investing in Social Connections

Happiness Activity 4.  Practicing Acts of Kindness
Happiness Activity 5.  Nurturing Social Relationships

3.  Managing Stress, Hardship, and Trauma

Happiness Activity 6.  Developing Strategies for Coping
Happiness Activity 7.  Learning to Forgive

4.  Living in the Present

Happiness Activity 8.    Increasing Flow Experiences
Happiness Activity 9.    Savoring Life’s Joys – Mindfulness 
Happiness Activity 10.  Committing To Your Goals

5.  Taking Care of Your Body and Your Soul

Happiness Activity 11.  Practicing Religion and Spirituality
Happiness Activity 12.  Taking Care of Your Body (meditation)
Happiness Activity 12.  Take Care of Your Body (Physical Activity

I challenge you to find one Happiness Activity that appeals to you and for the next 21 days make the effort. Experiment and notice how you, your relationships, and your work are effected. If you have any questions along the way you know where to find me. 

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Please Notice...

How you choose to react to ‘it’ is the difference between growing and freezing.

Allow me to illustrate with a personal story. 

Years ago I had a fear of public speaking. I’ve been challenging myself to move past this fear and not allow it to stop me. For the most part I’ve been doing a great job. 

When I committed to overcoming my fear of public speaking I was not 100% convinced I could actually do it. I frequently tolled myself  that it didn’t really matter if I succeeded but that I had to give it my best shot. I allowed myself to practice again and again. First in front of groups that did not know me well, and as I gathered my confidence I started speaking to groups that ‘mattered’ more to me. 

Recently I had a speaking engagement after a break from speaking that had lasted several months. Initially I was relatively confident that all would go well, after all I had successfully spoken to several groups that were extremely pleased with the outcome. I had even reached a level of confidence that was reminiscent of someone who had moved past her fear. 

The big day arrived and my talk was in the evening. 

I reviewed my notes early in the day but noticed my nervous energy and panicking I started to make changes to my talk.  

I tried preparing again and again but the anxiety continued to mount.

I tried centering myself and felt shaky most of the day. 

I tried spicing it up and it continued to lack the passion I like to bring to each event.

What was I to do? 

I couldn’t bail out at the last minute. I started praying for an emergency that would allow me to cancel without the shame.  This unfortunately did not happen. 

The moment arrived and the room stood still. As I spoke to this group of women, I could sense my energy and theirs. Noticing my discomfort and confusion merge with theirs was a horrific sensation.  I wanted to be swallowed up by the pavement I was standing on.

This talk was flat – boring – and completely unlike any talk I’d given to this group. They were just as surprised by my jitters as I was. 

To put it bluntly - I fell flat on my face. The big F  had reared its ugly head again in my life. 

It’s never pleasant and in my particular case I have a nasty voice in my head that does it’s absolute best to shame me. 

Allow me to share a sample of what I hear: 

“You are terrible. You bored the hell out of these people.”

“I suggest you give this up immediately before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.”

“Who do you think you are anyway?  I tolled you that you suck at this.”

“Stop embarrassing yourself. This is ridiculous.”

“These people think you are a fool.”

“I think you should stop showing your face here.” 

Needless to say, I had trouble sleeping that night and I could not shake the negative self-talk. 

By morning I started to believe most of what I was telling myself until I coached a client later in the day. Thank God for my clients. 

She was struggling herself with a Failure (her own version and flavor) and I heard myself saying, 
You Can Choose.

You can choose how to react. 
Do you become small, hide, and give up? or 
Do you choose to cut your self some slack and use this experience to grow.

Do you allow a bump in the road to freeze you in your tracks or do you keep going? 

Once you take the time to realize that only by failing do we learn and grow, you can begin to ask yourself the what, why, and how with kindness and curiosity:

What happened?

What can I do differently in the future? 

How did I lose my courage or confidence?

What happened to my enthusiasm?

Why didn’t I connect to the audience?

How can I better prepare for next time? 

What got in my way?

Investigate the reason behind your failed attempt and get back on the horse a.s.a.p. Remember your conviction, your new knowledge in hand, and your mindset will be with you every step of the way. You can absolutely do this. Now Go Do It!

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I'd like to challenge you to find 2 or 3 quotes that define the true meaning of leadership for you, and place them where you can be reminded daily. 

Use them to inspire and motivate you to be the leader you want to be starting this very day.

Your intention, attention, and attitude will define your ability to show up for yourself and your people in the best way possible. 

1
"Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be." 
Ralph Waldo Emerson

2
“Leadership is an action, not a position.” 
Donald McGannon

3
"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." 
John Quincy Adams

4          
"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through." Jarod Kintz

5        
“The key to successful leadership is influence, not authority.” 
Kenneth H. Blanchard

6        
"Leaders think and talk about the solutions. Followers think and talk about the problems."
Brian Tracy

7        
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

8        
"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it." 
Dwight D. Eisenhower

9          
"Real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determinations." 
John Seaman Garns

10      
"Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other." 
John F. Kennedy

11      
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
Winston Churchill

12        
"Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence."
Sheryl Sandberg

13      
"Average leaders raise the bar on themselves; good leaders raise the bar for others; great leaders inspire others to raise their own bar." 
Orrin Woodward

14      
"Don’t tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results."
George S. Patton Jr.

15      
"Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without the strategy."
Norman Schwarzkopf

16      
"A good leader is a person who takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit."
John Maxwell

17      
“If you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead. Even the highest mountain had animals that step on it.”  Jack Weatherford

18      
"One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes… and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility." 
Eleanor Roosevelt

19      
"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves." 
Lao Tzu

20      
"Leadership is not about titles, positions or flowcharts. It is about one life influencing another." John C. Maxwell

21     
"Power isn't control at all--power is strength, and giving that strength to others. A leader isn't someone who forces others to make him stronger; a leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own." 
Beth Revis

22      
"A great person attracts great people and knows how to hold them together." 
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

23      
"To lead people, walk behind them." 
Lao Tzu

24      
"Successful leaders see the opportunities in every difficulty rather than the difficulty in every opportunity." 
Reed Markham

25     
"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." 
Albert Schweitzer

26      
"I was never the smartest guy in the room. From the first person I hired, I was never the smartest guy in the room. And that’s a big deal. And if you’re going to be a leader – if you’re a leader and you’re the smartest guy in the world – in the room, you’ve got real problems." 
Jack Welch

27      
"The secret of leadership is simple: Do what you believe in. Paint a picture of the future. Go there. People will follow." 
Seth Godin

28      
"Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." 
Peter Drucker

29      
"Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality." 
Warren Bennis

30      
"There is a difference between being a leader and being a boss. Both are based on authority. A boss demands blind obedience; a leader earns his authority through understanding and trust."
Klaus Balkenhol

31      
"Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others." 
Jack Welch

32      
"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart." 
Eleanor Roosevelt

33      
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." 
Mahatma Gandhi

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